Ice is cold
by Princess Charly
Summary: COMPLETED! This is mi first fanfic ever and I'm really really hoping you'll like it! It's really actionpackedromantic and and rather soppy, too, but remember it gets faster and better the further on it goes so be patient! Thank u and please R&R! x
1. Lily Shaw

CHAPTER ONE – Lily Shaw

"A boat?" Lily turned abruptly, her attention finally captured.

"Well, a ship, yes." Lily smiled a small, vague smile.

"Alright, you have my attention, ma'am." Mrs Walthamstow smiled to herself, not taking her eyes off the contrary little girl that sat before her. Lily was exhausted, to the point where one might think she would be relaxed, sprawled across the chaise lounge. But she sat perched, as if watching something intently.

Lily Shaw was 14 years old. She was quite tall, slim and had quite long, golden hair with gentle waves, as opposed to turbulent curls or a flat sheet. She was a good-looking child, pretty, but not stunning. She wasn't what one might call 'ordinary', but was a perfectly normal looking girl. Perhaps it was only her situation that was abnormal in any way. Orphaned at 3, Lily had not had the happiest of lives. She had immediately been handed to a distant Aunt, a brash but nevertheless loving woman. Sadly, this lady, a Mrs Green, died of a sudden and unexpected heart attack when Lily was almost 8. The doctors found an exceptionally huge stash of cakes and fancies under her bed after she died, and concluded that her indulgence in such things had most likely been the contributing factor in her death.

From this moment onwards, Miss Shaw had been passed from home to home, orphanage to orphanage, until at rising 11 years old, a woman with considerable experience in taking in children agreed to bring up Lily. A Mrs Walthamstow, widowed, an amusing but subdued woman.

So I suppose it was no surprise that Lily was the way she was. She had become so used to smothering her screaming emotions that she had become quite a bad-tempered child, rather quiet, and very stubborn indeed. It was Mrs Walthamstow and Mrs Walthamstow only who could see that Lily had a shining personality inside. And she had finally decided it was time for this to be unleashed upon the unsuspecting world. She herself had admitted defeat, only a wonderful experience, to the point of almost overwhelming Lily, could bring her out of her stony shell.

"Why are you sending me off on a boat, ma'am? I thoguht you wanted to keep an eye on me?" Mrs Walthamstow sighed.

"Well if you want the truth, my dear, I've given up. You need to see more of life than the misery you've come through so far. I want you to have something amazing to treasure as a memory. That's why I want to have you on the Titanic sailing across the Atlantic."

Lily smiled properly for the first time in a considerable duration.

"I suppose," she began, thoughtfully, "It would be _rather _lovely, sailing across the Atlantic like that." There was a pause. "Alright, I'll go." Her companion smiled.

"She sets sail the day after tomorrow, Lily darling. You shall be going with Miss Federick, my good friend whom you met at that party recently. She'll look after you, see to it you have the best time possible."

Lily looked up, almost overwhelmed by this sudden-ness.

"Well run along, Lily, you'd best start packing, hadn't you?" Lily obeyed.

That night in bed, Lily's mind went into overdrive. She had secretly always wanted to go on a ship. The Titanic. It sounded almost regal! And this was her maiden voyage. Plates that had never been used. Sheets that had never been slept on. A tear escaped from her eyes. How her parents, how Mrs Green would have been so proud of her. Lily was no longer a little child, and she knew it.


	2. The Ship of Dreams

THE SHIP OF DREAMS

Southampton Docks, April 10th, 1912

Lily looked up around her. Titanic was so huge, she almost missed it as just being some strange part of the landscape. Clutching her tweed-bagged belongings close to her, she stepped out of the car. Reeling with amazement, she stood still for a second.

"Move out of the way, little girl." Lily snapped abruptly out of her trance to see a tall, dark man behind her. He was immaculately dressed with a look of undiluted arrogance plastered across his face.

"Sorry sir," she answered, her voice oozing sarcasm. The man gave her a crushing look and retreated to the other side of the car. Miss Federick took Lily by the shoulders and leaned towards her ear.

"Caledon Hockley," she whispered, "One of the most unpleasant men one would have the bad luck to meet." Lily nodded, seeing straight through his moneyed, swaggering manner. Then she saw a girl step out of the car, young, 19 at most, with a curly mass of intriguingly red hair and striking looks.

"Come along, Rose, do," uttered Mr Hockley, in his characteristically unpleasant tone of voice. Joan Federick leaned into Lily's ear once again.

"Rose De Witt Bukater, I believe. 17 years old. His fiancée. A difficult girl." Lily looked into the girl's eyes and saw a feeling she herself was very familiar with, a sense of being trapped, tied for life to something one was not comfortable with. Lily's parents were not upper-class, nor working class, somewhere in between, but as most of the folk who had brought her up had been not, shall we say, short of money, she had learned their ways, their walk, their speak. Lily felt a towering sense of pity for Rose.

"Yes, Joan, let's – let's go." Lily said quietly, as her tall, stocky companion shut the car doors, paid the steward and steered her young friend towards the long, steep ramp that would take them all to an adventure they would never forget………

Lily was finding it, once again, difficult to absorb her surroundings quite properly. The interior of the great ship was like a dream, more luxurious and pristine than anything Lily had come across before. Around her, people in beautiful clothes walked in small circles, making polite small talk with people they deemed as 'suitable' or perhaps 'respectable'. Rose De Witt Bukater looked in her direction briefly. Lily couldn't help but blush, she was not a shy girl but could not bear all these important people noticing her. She smiled briefly then turned away. Perhaps Rose saw more than just a little something of herself in young Miss Shaw.

"Lily dear, we ought to start assosciating with people, you know." She took Lily by the arm, gently but firmly, and they made their way through some intricately designed doors, with beautiful leaden patterns darting their way across the rich, warm coloured wood. Lily's mind took a photograph of this. Two handsome stewards opened the doors with perfect timing and greeted Lily and Joan. Joan raised her hand a little and ignored them. Lily couldn't bear this cold manner and smiled at them warmly, as if faintly mocking her guardian's dismissive manner. The stewards grinned back at her and watched her being ushered off towards the gathering population of first class passengers in the hall, amused. Lily suddenly thought of the crew, and how hard they must be working.

"Have you seen the Captain, Miss Federick?"

"Oh, Joan, please! Not as yet, though I'm sure we'll get our fair share of him walking around, proud as a peacock. Quite a final voyage for a man, sailing the ship of dreams, I shouldn't wonder. Though I hear he's a pleasant man."

A short, pale, wirey woman with dainty features and impressive clothes was walking towards Lily and Joan. She seemed very confident, although it was blatant to Lily she was incredibly nervous. She offered a limp hand to Joan.

"Ruth De Witt Bukater, it's a pleasure. And you are-?" Joan smiled wanly.

"Joan Federick, nice to meet you. And this is Lily Shaw, I'm looking after her on the voyage for her main guardian, a good friend." Lily shook hands with Ruth, and with Rose, who was standing behind her mother.

"Charming," Ruth answered. "How old is the child, did you say?"

"Fourteen, just fourteen."

"Ah, my Rose is seventeen, aren't you?" Rose nodded vacantly. "Where are Lily's parents?" Joan spoke alittle more quietly.

"They passed away when she was very small. She comes from a sad background, I'm afraid."

"Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that. Well, I'm sure we shall see you again soon. Come along Rose, we must find Cal." The pair turned and retreated to where all the men were standing, in their dark, sophisticated suits, cracking stiff jokes and laughing in loud, intimidating booms. Lily was feeling more and more uncomfortable.

"J-Joan, I have a headache. May we find our room?" Joan saw Lily was a little flushed.

"You're a little flushed, child. We'd better, hadn't we. Come along."

The room was indeed beautiful. Decorated in warm colours, with huge wood panels and rich, red curtains with gold brocade, it momentarily took Lily's breath away.

"It's gorgeous," she exclaimed, loudly, "And it's so big!"

Joan laughed.

"But not a patch on the DeWitt Bukaters', dear." Lily looked shocked.

"How big must theirs be?"

"Come along dear, we must unpack now." Lily did as she was told, taking out several crumpled frocks and folding them as well as she could. Joan leaned over.

"Well for a girl your age I must say that is one of the most pitiful collections of underwear I've seen. Really!" Lily was hurt.

"Whatever do you mean, miss?" Joan laughed sarcastically.

"Haven't you anything a little more, um, supportive?" There was a pause as Lily caught up with the implication.

"My br- they're rather small, Joan. I don't see anything more than what I've got's really essential." Joan sighed as though her young friend were a hopeless case.

"Well dear, you've got to start sooner or later, and I'd highly recommend sooner. Why not change your frock, dearest, that one you've on is rather creased at the hem."

"Yes, alright, I'll change it." Lily slipped her hand into her bags and pulled out a pale pink dress with capped sleeves which came just below her knee.

"Oh no, Lily, far too light and, casual. We're having dinner on a cruise ship, not going for a picnic by the seaside.

"Alright then." Lily dug around a little more and took out a deep red dress oozing with lace, silk and even a few bands of velvet.

"Oh NO! That's far too fancy, Lily! You can't wear that to dinner! Maybe to a ball, but-" Lily produced a navy dress, made from soft, velvet-y navy material. It enhanced her small curves and she looked beautiful but innocent, even just holding it against her self. Joan beamed.

"Perfect, dear. You slip that on. Then you simply must tidy up your hair."

Lily groaned lightheartedly, and looked up at the gold-plated clock. To her utter amazement, they had been aboard the ship just 30 minutes. It had seemed like 4 times that! She wondered how long two weeks would seem if under two hours appeared almost an eternity…………


	3. All at sea

Onboard RMS Titanic, Evening, April 10th 1912

"What time are we due at dinner, Joan?" Joan looked at Lily.

"Half past eight, I believe. Why do you ask?" Lily glanced out of the window at the ocean, thoughtfully.

"Well I was wondering if I could take a little walk, just before. I mean, dinner doesn't start for almost an hour. Joan looked nervous.

"Well. I must say I'm not completely comfortable letting a lass like you out alone on a vessel this size."

"Please?" Lily pulled her 'sad angel' face, which in the past had melted many an icy heart. Miss Joan Federick was not a mean woman.

"Oh, go on then."

"Yay!" Lily skipped off towards the deck.

"But I want you back by quarter past eight!" a by now distant voice called.

Lily sat down peacefully on the little cream bench. Dusk was falling, and she felt restful, at peace. There were a lot of couples walking past stiffly, and often the woman would make a jaunty comment about the sea, and the husband would nod, and they should walk on. Lily was depressed by this. 'Is that what I'll become?', she thought to herself. She could not bear the thought of just being another stiff little porcelain creature with immaculate curls and satin enrobing her body every moment of every day. She got up, squinting to avoid the sun's astonishing orange rays, and walked around, looking for a different part of the deck. When she looked below her, she could see all the third class folk. They were smoking and drinking joyfully. The little boys had merry expressions on their faces and the little girls had head full of gypsys' hair and coy smiles.

"Why must they all look so happy, and us look so sad?" she whispered to herself. A few boys of around 16 looked up at 'the posh girl' and waved at her. She gave them a small smile back. She felt uncomfortable once again, and walked to the other side of her deck. She sat down on another little bench, lonely, and decided she could not bear not talking to anyone at all. 'I came to have a pleasant time, and that's what I shall have.' She spotted the First Officer mulling around, keeping a sharp eye on the sea. She walked over, slowly, and looked around at the boat they stood on.

"How heavy is she?" she asked, pleasantly. Mr Murdoch looked at her quickly and then replied,

"Oh, she's 70,000 tonnes of steel, near enough. Not a small ship, is she?" Lily giggled.

"Definitely not."

"So, er, are you Miss Shaw?" Lily smiled.

"Yes, but please call me Lily. All this formality is killing me." Murdoch grinned. "And are you Mr Murdoch?"

He looked out at the ocean.

"I prefer Will."

"Alright then." All of a sudden, loud, clip-clopping footsteps sounded from behind.

"Oh, Lily, LILY, you silly girl! You're hair's all ruined. And your dress is all windswept and, - oh, I'm most terribly sorry sir, she hasn't been disturbing you, I hope?" Mr Murdoch winked subtly at Lily.

"No no, quite the contrary. We've had an interesting little talk." Lily smiled slowly.

"Well we'll have to run along, it's dinner in 5 minutes and I don't know what I shall do if we're late."

Lily laughed.

"Die most probably!"

"Oh be quiet, saucy little thing! Come along, come along do!" Lily grinned and allowed herself to be dragged away, as Joan's chubby hand desperately ran through Lily's hair, straightening as best it could.

Lily was sitting down at the table, 'perched' looking as usual. With her was Mr Hockley, Rose, Ruth, Molly Cole (a large, nouveau riche but kindly soul), Mr Andrews, Joan, a young American man with Rose (apparently a 3rd class friend, Jack Dawson), and of course many other rich (or famous) folk. For quite a while now, the DeWitt Bukaters had been talking to Mr Andrews, asking him about the ship. Lily noticed Rose was very bitter and hostile towards her mother, intentionally blowing cigarette smoke in her face and being really quite cheeky with Mr Andrews. Lily had, as yet, not said a word.

"Well," began a rather noble looking, middle-aged man opposite Andrews. "An unsinkable ship. That's nice to know." People laughed.

"But surely no ship is totally unsinkable, sir?" Everyone at the table turned towards Lily.

"Really, child. That's no way to speak. Of course she can't sink, it's a certainty," Joan flustered. Lily looked at her, almost annoyed that Joan had obviously forgotten the phrase she so often trilled to her friends.

"Nothing in life is a certainty." Lily said, a little more quietly. Cal tittered. Ruth blushed. Rose stared, intrigued. Mr Andrews smiled.

"Ah," he smiled, " a thinker. I'm liking this. And you are…?" Lily smiled politely.

"Lily, Shaw. Nice to meet you."

"And you too." Cal turned to Joan.

"You ought to be careful of this one, Miss Federick. She'll outwit us all a dead cert one of these days." Lily smiled sarcastically and kept quiet. She went off into a dream world. She did not remember much of the conversation after this, only that Rose and her mother disagreed over Rose's behaviour or some such trivia, and Rose left the table. As she did, she leaned ever so slightly across to Lily and whispered:

"I know how you feel, Miss Shaw." It was evident to Lily, thankfully, that nobody else heard this little remark. She was left thinking about this all night, whether it just might be ambiguous, whether it's meaning were as plain as it sounded.

It was a lot later at night when, dressed in her flimsy yet adorable little white nightdress and tucked up under the unmistakably 'new-smelling' sheets, that she finally remembered home. It embarrassed her to think she had completely forgotten the 'other life' she would be leaving behind for a couple of weeks. But Lily's head was so full of experiences, quotes and faces that it quite exhausted her and much to Joan's surprise, she fell quickly and quietly off to sleep.


	4. Don't flirt with the officers, Lily Shaw...

April 11th 1912

Anchored off on coast of Queenstown, Ireland

"I am not wearing that thing, ma'am. _No_ way!" Lily was gazing with almost astonishing defiance at the object in front of her.

"For Christ's sake girl, it's a corset, not a strait jacket! Do grow up! And, if I may be so BOLD as to correct your Highness, you ARE wearing it." Lily growled under her breath. She had put up with having to act like a miniature queen, speaking as properly as she could muster, and, subsequently being as boring as she could have imagined. A corset really was the limit.

"Nobody else my age wears one."

"Well, I'll be- yes, as a matter of fact they do." Lily looked sternly at her companion.

"Well, are you going to wrestle me into it? Go on, make me!" Joan was, at this point, tempted to slap the defiant girl.

"No. I'll go and fetch somebody else to get you into it!" Joan flounced out of the room. Lily was almost nervous. She hoped Miss Federick wasn't going to pay some poor steward to get her into the god-damned corset, now that would just be _awful_! Around two minutes later, Joan returned. A small, dainty figure slinked through the door after her.

"Why won't you wear a corset, Miss Shaw?" It was Ruth. That god-damned bint, thought Lily angrily to herself. Whilst she was fuming inside she did not want to appear so obstructive to such an important woman, and so, putting her words as diplomatically as possible, she said:

"I don't see it as rational to inflict pain on myself when it is quite unnecessary, ma'am."

"Corsets give women a backbone, literally, and metaphorically. Now come on, child, I'm putting this thing on you, and properly, whether you like it or not." This simple but nonetheless rigid speech shocked Lily into temporary paralysis just long enough for Ruth to drag away her dress and pull the wretched garment up Lily's frame. Lily was too lost for words to complain. When the corset was on properly, Ruth began fiddling with some ties behind Lily. She tried to take a peep over her shoulder.

"Keep still, child." Lily turned back around and rolled her eyes. All of a sudden she felt an odd, sharp, crushing pain all across her spinal area. She soon realised, of course, that Mrs DeWitt Bukater was doing up the silly thing. It was more painful than she had imagined it to be. She sucked in her breath sharply. Even Joan, watching from the edge of the North area of the room, couldn't help but feel very sorry indeed for Lily. She herself would not have been quite so harsh with her movements. At last, the deed was done.

"Why not put on a nice dress, child?" Lily glared.

"It's Lily, thank you." Joan blushed. Ruth turned to Joan.

"She's too feisty, this girl Lily. She'll end up like my daughter Rose." Ruth sighed. "I'll be off now. I must see to Rose and Cal." Lily leaned over to pick up her beautiful red dress and slid it on. Joan helped her to do it up.

"_That_," began Lily, "wasn't totally necessary."

"Maybe you don't think so. But I think that was an important, if small, lesson to learn." Joan said. Lily grumbled.

"Thank you. I'd like to go for a stroll, now, if I may. I'll be back in half an hour, I promise."

"If you must, dear."

Out on the deck, the cool breeze tickled Lily's cheeks with a pretty rosiness, and her hair swept gently to one side. It was only when she tried to bend over that she felt the crushing pain in her ribs and stomach. She cursed the corset under her breath, and walked towards the edge of the boat.

"Hey lassie!" called an Irish voice, from the deck below. "What happened? Are you hurt? Ya walking funny!" Lily smiled cynically at the man, who was quite good-looking and in his early to mid twenties.

"I'm wearing a corset," she called. "For the first time. Is my odd walk really very obvious?" The man laughed. Then another man, who Lily recognised to be the young, good-looking boy at the table at dinner with Rose the other night (Jack Dawson), called out:

"Not particularly. I just wouldn't fall overboard anytime soon. You'd not have an easy job wriggling back up again! And I wouldn't want to have to jump in after ya!" Jack's cheeky but innocent tone amused Lily. She laughed.

"I'll try!" With that she left the Irish man, Jack and their other friend, a young man of around 19 with an Italian accent, and walked higher up her own deck. She saw two officers having a cup of tea and laughing at something. She recognised them as First Officer Murdoch and Fifth Officer Lowe. They looked like nice men, far nicer than anybody she had assosciated with thus far in her First Class world. Then, they pointed to something out at sea, and cracked up laughing again. Lily could not see anything from where she was currently standing, and moved against a little pillar to her left. The stiffness of the corset made her overbalance. She did not fall to the floor, but she stumbled.

"Ow!" she exclaimed, frustrated. The officers turned in her direction.

"Sorry, I stumbled," she called, and walked down the steps. Her walk was stiff and uneasy, and she felt a fool walking down within eyeshot of several people.

"Are you OK, Miss?" She smiled nervously at them.

"N-not really. Well yes, I'm fine. Argh." She felt a digging pain in her chest. Will Murdoch smiled.

"Are you wearing a corset, Miss Shaw?"

"N- yes, yes! How did you know? Oh no, it isn't visible, is it?" He laughed.

"No no, nothing like that. I recognised the walk. My wife constantly does impressions of the first time she wore a corset. The walk, the posture, it's identical to yours." Lily smiled. It was nice to have people she was on a wave-length with, and not have to pretend to be something she wasn't.

"Oh no," groaned Lowe, "don't get him started on his wife! We'll all be here all night."

"I do not talk about Ada that much, Harold!"

"You do."

"I don't."

"You do."

"I do not! Alright, maybe a little more than anybody else here talks about anyone, but- fine." Lily laughed.

"I would, if I were you. Stuck out here at sea, you must be lonely here without her." They smiled warmly at Lily.

"Well, I'm not lonely, with everybody around me. But I miss my wife." Lily realised that she had so far only felt sympathy and liking for the 3rd class folk, Rose, and the crew. Apart from Joan, she had no real respect for anybody else.

"Well, I'd better be off," she said. "I have dinner." She rolled her eyes, mockingly. They couldn't help grinning.A hand rested on Lily's shoulder.

"Don't flirt, Lily! Leave these poor men alone. What is it with you and men on this boat." Lily flushed angrily.

"Hey, I am not flirting! And it's a SHIP, not a boat." Joan turned to the officers.

"You see? Defiant little child, isn't she! Come along now, Lily." Harold and Will laughed and waved as Lily was ushered away reluctantly.

"Poor lass," Will laughed. Harold smiled after her.

"I know."


	5. HOW many lifeboats?

April 12th 1912

It was lunch time. Lily felt that familiar hungry sensation in the pit of her stomach.

"For heaven's sake, girl, are you ever not hungry?"

"Joan! Of course. I haven't been hungry since, since, since last night!" Joan laughed.

"Well lunch isn't until half past one, so I suggest you run along and find something to do." Once again, Lily walked away, having to find her own way to amuse herself on the Ship of Dreams.

All of a sudden, she saw Rose. Rose looked rather taken up in her thoughts, and Lily had a feeling they weren't entirely pleasant ones. She approached Miss DeWitt Bukater slowly.

"Are you alright, Rose?"

"I suppose," was the slow, melancholy reply. Lily was worried.

"What is it, have you had bad news?" Rose looked into Lily's eyes.

"I wouldn't- well what I mean to say is, well, I wouldn't want to worry you, dear." Lily was frustrated.

"Pray why would you worry me?" Rose looked skyward, defeated, and easily at that.

"I was just speaking to Mr Andrews."

"Oh yes, Mr Andrews. He seemed a nice man," Lily responded pleasantly. Rose looked out to sea with a bitter expression on her face.

"Well, I won't meander about a given point. There aren't enough life-boats for half of us on board. I believe there are enough for less than a thousand." Though Lily knew that of course on an unsinkable ship, life-boats wouldn't surely be more than a last resort, she felt a little of the colour drain from her face.

"How many on board?" she asked quietly. The answer was immediate.

"Two thousand, two hundred. Including the crew, the stewards, the officers, you know." Lily was horrified.

"But that's not POSSIBLE!" she squealed.

"I'm afraid it is. If this ship were to sink, over half of us would all meet our maker." Lily felt hot tears slink into her eyes. Rose noticed that her young friend was not best pleased by this news.

"Don't worry, Lily. I'm sorry I said anything. Of course she won't sink. You'd better run along." Lily smiled sadly and went slowly along the deck. She heard a sharp voice behind her.

"Rose, _Rose_! What are you doing, sitting moping here. How very third class! And you'll not be seeing Mr Dawson, I trust?" Cal's last sentence sounded smooth as syrup but menacing and deadly. The combination sent a shiver down Lily's spine, and she walked inside, intent on having a rest.

April 13th, 1912

Lily watched the stewards and officers smile politely at passers-by. They did not talk to them, and it was only now that Lily realised that it must, if anyone had seen, been a rather unusual sight, officers talking to a 1st class passenger. It was obviously not considered 'proper'. Perhaps she oughtn't to be so open anymore. _'On the other hand,'_ she said to herself, _'They're the only decent people on this wretched boat.' _

Lily was not bored of Titanic- she couldn't be - it's sheer brilliance could have one in a trance for weeks and months on end, but she had rather run out of things to do. She had heard that Rose had had a wonderful time with the 3rd class people, but Lily, for all she possessed, (and though she was a bold girl) did not posess Rose's nerves of steel. It was the late afternoon, she and Joan stood by the front of the ship. Lily gazed out at the sea, and the impressive firey line that skitted over the divine horizon.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Joan said, happily.

"Of course it is. Everything about this ship is heavenly." Joan looked at Lily.

"I hope you're not talking about men now, Lily!"

"Honestly Joan, you _are_ obsessed. You must think me a terrible flirt or something."

"No, Lily. I just don't want you growing up quickly or getting airs beyond your years." Lily laughed.

"You were the one that forced me into a corset 3 years early!"

"There's a good dea of difference between wearing a corset and ogling at unsuspecting men who are quite easily old enough to be your father."

"Murdoch is. Lowe isn't. But they're both lovely. They're very handsome, and they're so much nicer than everybody else here. Except you. And Rose Bukater. And Mr Dawson, and his friends. And Mr Andrews. Hmmm, and the captain, he seems nice. And-"

"You never cease to amaze me, Lily. What am I to do with you, eh?" Joan sighed jokily. Lily laughed. She had a soft spot for Miss Federick. And she knew Miss Federick had a secret liking for her as well.

"So will I be going straight home to Miss Walthamstow, after we've looked around New York?"

"I suspect so. I shouldn't think we'll be there more than a couple of days. My goodness, you look _exhausted_, girl. Come along, off to bed with you."

"But I wanted to ta-"

"Bed, now."


	6. Impending Disaster

April 14th , 1912

"Lily, wake up! Arise! Open your eyes! _LILY_!" Lily yawned and turned over in her bed.

"What _is _it, Joan?"

"Church, come on," Joan exclaimed. Lily laughed.

"OK, I knew Titanic was luxurious, but a **church **on board? That's pushing it a _little_."

"No, you silly girl. In the dining saloon, at half past ten. You'll need time to get ready, look smart." Lily rolled back over and groaned.

"I'm not religious," she croaked.

"I don't care whether you're religious or not, you are getting out of bed, getting ready, and coming with me. Gracious what will everyone THINK?" Miss Federick tugged hard at Lily's covers. The girl rolled with a thud out of her bed.

"Alright!" she laughed. "You win, I surrender. How long will it last?"

"Shouldn't be more than an hour or so. Now do come along…"

"For those in pe-ril on the sea." Lily enjoyed singing. When she did so alone, her voice was tuneful and beautiful, but singing in a congregation, she knew that she was singing the odd flat as she simply could not hear herself. She could hear Cal Hockley's self-conscious boom from 2 rows away. It infuriated her. She had hoped he might have the musical talent of a dying rhinoceros, but unfortunately for her, he was rather good. The hymn was the final part of the service. After this, Lily hoped to go and play games or something, she had found some 2nd class children her own age and was currently bored stiff with her present company.

Not a lot had happened in the past few days. There was definitely something wrong in Rose's world, she had heard shouting between her, Cal, and Mr Dawson. She had strong suspicions that Rose and Jack were having a love affair. But she didn't feel comfortable prying, and so kept her distance. Joan was a kind, sensible companion, and looked after Lily well, but Lily felt she simply could not cope with a middle-aged lady for company for another week-and-a-half. This was why Lily decided to socialise with people her own age. There were so few people her age in 1st class, it was almost ridiculous. Lily had spoken to one girl, Margaret, who was 13. She was a very nice girl indeed, but Lily had not seen her a lot, as her guardian did not seem the sort of person to let Margaret have a nice time, so again, Lily had decided not to get too close.

However, after the service, Lily and Margaret crossed paths again. Most of the first class adults of their acquaintance were playing bridge and suchlike and so Margaret and Lily found themselves alone on the deck.

"The air's nippy," Margaret voiced shyly. Lily shivered as a sharp breeze tickled her being.

"I know, it's not as pleasant as yesterday. Have you had a nice time so far, Margaret?"

"It's been lovely, thank you. I heard you're here with a guardian, too, is that right?"

"Yes, that's right. And you're here with Evelyn Carmicheal. A steward told me."

Margaret laughed.

"They say you get on well with the crew," she said. Lily looked at her indignantly.

"Who's they? What do they know?"

"Oh I'm sorry, Lily, I didn't mean to be rude. Just the people Mrs Carmicheal knows. They gossip an awful lot I'm afraid, it quite does my head in. Your Miss Federick said she couldn't keep you away from the officers, though she did say you were just making pleasant conversation, then Lady Astor said that Miss Federick ought to be careful, and then a few others said they'd seen you talking a lot." Lily sighed at this.

"Ah well, I suppose you can't stop people talking. But I do like the people there, yes. It's not my fault folk round these areas are so stuck up. No offense meant to you, of course. But do you not ever feel restricted?" Margaret looked skyward thoughtfully.

"Hmmm. Well yes. I suppose I do. I come from an orphanage, you know. From Whitechapel. We had mass every day there. It's going to be different in America."

"You're going to live in America?"

"I am. A new life, that's what I've been promised," Margaret finished.

Miss Federick's familiar voice shrilled from the other side of the deck. Lily giggled.

"I'd better go."

Margaret smiled.

"I'll see you soon, then," she grinned, waving.

"I should like to try out the gymnasium, Joan. Is that alright?" Joan looked down at Lily.

"Yes, you may. I trust you know where it is?"

"Of course. Well I heard a steward telling Molly Brown."

Joan sneered.

"The unsinkable, of course. I tell you child, if that Molly Brown had spent a little more time in the gymnasium, she - never mind. You run along, dear."

Lily made her way across the deck. Half running, half skipping, she darted past the DeWitt Bukaters, Officer Moody and Officer Lowe, Mr Andrews and dozens of other people. She smiled brightly at everyone, gleaming youth wherever she layed her eyes. She slowed her pace a little, and looked at her wristwatch. It was a little past midday. Just as she was about to venture unside towards her destination, she heard a quiet, urgent, Scottish voice just around the corner.

"Another one, sir." It was Murdoch.

"Another?" She recognised Captain Smith's as the other voice.

"RMS Noordam sent it us, not half an hour ago."

Lily leaned a little to her right, so she could catch a glimpse of their faces.

"This is the second, isn't it?" Murdoch nodded anxiously. For that moment, Lily saw not the expression of a responsible, calm officer, but thatof a scared little boy.

"Yes sir," he replied. Yes, there was a definite waver to his voice. A pause followed Murdoch's reply. Then:

"No cause for concern, Mr Murdoch. Ice is extremely common in these parts and t' sea's as calm as can be. Keep her going, nothing to be worried about."

Murdoch turned hesitantly.

'Yes sir," he said again.

Lily felt it hard to suppress the sharp little streak of anger rising up inside her. Ice? And two warnings of it in a short space of time? How _could _Captain Smith just brush that aside? Surely, **surely **it at least warranted an investigation? But frustrated as she was, Lily knew, deep down, that there was nothing she could do.She walked slowly inside, turned left and then left again into the gymnasium.

"I…… don't think…… that……(gasp)……. I'm…… very……… fit at…… th' moment."

Joan was having considerable difficulty speaking. Her round face was as red as a ruby and sweat ran like rain from her forehead. Lily laughed.

"Exactly _how _long has it been since you did some proper exercise? You've only been on that stationary bicycle, what, five minutes?"

'Well……… it has…… been quite…… a……… while," came the responding series of gasps.This further amused Lily.

"You know Joan, I shall never let you forget this. It'll make a marvellous story to tell Mrs Walthamstow! Wait, of course!" Lily's face lit up in remembrance.

"What…… what about her?" Joan asked, having regained a little of her breath. Lily was already making for the door.

"We must tidy ourselves up, then go and write her a letter." With that, Lily dashed out of the door.

"But, but Lily, it won't ever get del-" But it was too late, Lily was already half way to the reading and writing room.

Sitting in her characteristically perched manner on what she had decided to be one of the most comfortable chairs she had ever sat upon, Lily immediately whipped out a piece of paper and pen. She did not pause for thought once, the words simply flooded out of the nib.

_Dearest Mrs Walthamstow,_

_I expect it would have been more sensible to wait until the end of my voyage to write to you, but I simply couldn't wait. I am indeed having a lovely time, just as you wanted me to. There is just so much to tell you!_

_We boarded the ship at around half past eleven, considerably after the 2nd and 3rd class folk did, and set sail at noon. But really, the ship is so huge, I did not even notice we were moving! The ship is really quite incredible. I am sure you have seen pictures and heard figures, but actually standing next to it is truly incedible. _

_Anyway, Miss Federick was interested in making friends on the ship, and the first people we met where the DeWitt Bukaters. Ruth, a pale, skinny, red-haired most formidable lady, the mother of Rose, 17 years old, beautiful, firey, trapped in her stiff, wealthy world, hopelessly in love with 3rd class passenger Mr Jack Dawson, but, sadly, engaged to Caledon Hockley, rich as is possible, horribly arrogant and rather frightening, though handsome. He was really quite rude to me, and Miss Federick said he was very unpleasant. But anyway, Rose has been good to me. Ruth was summoned to wrestle me into a corset which I refused to wear. It is not a pleasurable experience, to say the least. I walked across the deck like a cripple! Even the officers noticed, though they were very light-hearted about it. They are such nice people, ma'am, I'm sure you would like them. Folk in 1st class accused me of flirting with 5th Officer Lowe and 1st Officer Murdoch, but really, I was just being friendly, and my friend Margaret, 13, says she has discovered that they like me! There is a swimming pool, a gymnasium, dozens of dining areas, games rooms, beautiful arcades, but best of all, The Grand Staircase. It is simply marvellous. I enclose a picture taken by Colonel Astor which he was kind enough to give me. _

_As I write this, I am a little concerned as I have just overheard Murdoch and the captain talking about several ice warnings coming through. Captain Smith says it is nothing to be afraid of, so I am not unduly worried, but I thought I might mention it anyway._

_I am sure I will feel the need to write to you again, but for now, I shall say goodbye, and that I do wish you were here to share this with me._

_All my love,_

_Lily (Rosie Maria Shaw)_

It was now almost 2 o' clock. Lily scanned her letter quickly, then dug an envelope out of her pocket, slipped it in and scribbled down the address. She had been about to write to their London address, but then remembered how Mrs Walthamstow had said she would go up to Scotland for a few days, and so Lily scribed the appropriate address as neatly as she could and handed it to a passing steward, who told her he would see to it tha it would get to the right place.

A huge weight lifted off her mind, Lily sighed contentedly and decided to seek out her guardian, it being almost lunchtime, and to be honest, Lily was _very _hungry indeed...


	7. Collision

April 14th, 1912

Room 18, 1st class deck

9:30pm

Lily's clothes were all neatly folded. She didn't know why, but she felt a sudden urge to take all her frocks, pullovers, underwear and just general belongings, and put them all into her big tweed bag. Her tongue would escape from her mouth every so often as she concentrated on packing everything as tightly as possible.

"What on _earth_ are you doing?", exclaimed Joan as she emerged from the en suite.

"Packing," Lily laughed, sliding her pink dress between a coat and a vest. Joan laughed, half amused, half exasperated.

"My God, girl, we'll be onboard a good while yet!"

"Yes I know. I just – oh, _I _don't know, I just wanted to pack. _There_!" she puffed triumphantly, pulling the toggles together and twisting them tautly shut.

"Lily Shaw, you are _quite mad!" _Joan sighed. Lily smiled at her as she put her large bag next to her on the bed and gave a small, contented little sigh.

Dinner had been an impressive 5-course affair, and tired out with bloatedness, Lily had slunk back to her room and got into her night clothes. She was now utterly exhausted.

"Joan? I am _utterly _exhausted. I think I'll sleep now."

Joan smiled down at her young companion affectionately.

"Yes, my child, you sleep. It'll do you good."

11:10 pm

It was a rustle that awoke Lily. Just a rustle. The simple result of a frictionous meeting between her blanket and her sheet, but Lily nevertheless awoke with an unearthly jolt. So big, in fact, was this jolt, it quite shook all the tiredness out of her, right there and then.

She sat up, looked around, and that instant knew she would not be able to get back to sleep for several hours. And the one thing Lily couldn't **bear **was having nothing to do, alone, at night. She could read, but then she would have to turn on all the lights, and she didn't want to wake Joan.

Lily felt nervous at the idea that had just sprung into her head, but knew that she really had not much of an option. It was go for a little starlit exploration of the ship, or be bored to tears until daybreak. And she knew which one, to her, seemed infinitely preferable...

Lily's hands trembled a little as she reached out to pick up her underclothing. She slipped it all on as quietly as she could. Then she picked up her warmest blouse, the pretty cream one, but dropped it. In her laziness, Lily could not be bothered to stand up and walk to pick it up, so she shot out a hand, so as to streeetch it out and pick up the item. But as her arm went forth, it somehow sliced against the edge of the chest. This particular piece of wood had sides like blades, and so Lily felt a horrifying pain. It shot up her arm like a bullet. She looked down, feeling almost faint, and saw an enormous, gouged red line all the way down her lower arm, and also realised that blood was flowing from the slit rather too fast.

It was now that Lily had come _seriously _close to waking Joan, the pain was almost unbearable, but Lily had common sense, and as steadily as she could, she tiptoed into the bathroom, and rinsed the cut under the tap. The stinging was absolutely horrific, and Lily felt hot salty tears streaming down her face and into her mouth. She kept her arm under for a good 30 seconds, then removed it, grabbed a thin face towel, and pressed it onto the fleshy wound with all her might.

Removing a hair ribbon from her hair, she tied the towel to her arm tensely and slipped on her blouse. She then put on some stockings, her pretty navy skirt, her sweater, a coat, her shoes, and a hat and gloves, then bravely, perhaps foolishly, made her way out of the door...

11:35 pm

Lily stood out on one of the lower decks, looking out to sea. It was like a navy curtain, stretching out from the foot of the ship to where the Earth meets the sky. Lily was extremely cold now, and rubbed her arms firmly. Her face was starting to feel a little numb, and the combination of this and the burning sensation of her wound was beginning to turn her stomach. She was just contemplating returning to her room, when Rose and Jack came bursting through a door, breathless from mirth. She could not help smile at the infectious sight.

"What is it?" she smiled.

"We-, we're being chased," gasped Jack, laughing still more. Rose touched Lily's arm.

"We didn't mean to startle you, Lily sweet." she said. Lily grinned to herself and made her way back across the deck.

On the deck above, the officers could see Jack and Rose kissing passionately, and grinned to themselves. Cal Hockley was not a man they were particularly fond of, to say the least.

Meanwhile, watchmen Fleet and Lee stood near the bow, swearing at the bitter cold and talking amongst themselves. The ocean was at a dead calm. All was peaceful.

Lily was standing right at the front of the ship, the very tip. It was an amazing experience, and it took her breath away. She could not help closing her eyes, feeling the crisp, moderate breeze tickle her face...

She opened her eyes, and saw something that made her feel sick to her very stomach. That knocked the air from her lungs, knocked the sense from her mind. Around 300 yards, just a few metres, ahead, was a huge, towering, unmistakable iceberg...

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," was all her poor little mouth could utter.She craned her neck at (appropriately) breakneck speed above her, where she had heard men's voices.

"Sir! Please! _YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME!"_

Fleet and Lee heard the voice of a screaming girl down below and called to her.

"What is it, Miss? Would, would you like us to fetch anyone?"

"Lo- look ahead, straight ahead," she whimpered, now evidently crying. There was a long, horrible pause.

"Bloody hell."

11:40 pm

"Bollocks, we're going to hit it straight on." Lee was breathing heavily, a waver lingered over his speech. In nervousness, Fleet was reddening and becoming aggressive.

"Well don't just stand there pissing around, fool, _warn _'em!" Lee ran to a bell nearby and rung it with all the vigour he could muster. The officers looked down when they heard the clamorous din. He looked up, alarmed.

"_ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!" _he bellowed. Murdoch looked forward. It took a while for him to apprehend the horrendous sight. The colour drained from his face.

"Lord almighty." he dashed over to the wheels, dragging them all in the opposite directions, pushing sailors in all directions.

"Move out of the _bloody _way, idiot, there's an iceberg, straight ahead!" By now, most of the crew had heard, and were dashing around, pushing red alert buttons and bellowing the awful message around the place.

Lily was starting to feel increasingly afraid for herself. She was standing right on the empty deck, freezing cold, with an enormous white column coming towards her ever faster. In a decent frame of mind, she would have dashed back in, but she was frozen to the spot. She closed her eyes stiffly, willing the bloody boat to turn...

There was a huge scraping noise. With that noise went every hope Mr Murdoch had. He leaned against a pillar and sunk his head into his hands. An enormous piece of ice flew into the air and onto the deck. Jack and Rose missed it narrowly, and Lily managed to duck out of the way of the main bulk of it, just in time. But large chips of ice and an extortionately large gush of water flew over her. She shrieked a blood-curdling shriek, a noise that made any crew members who heard that shriek feel sick and petrified.

"There's a child out on the deck, Harold," gulped Murdoch. Harold Lowe glanced below, aghast, and flew down the stairs. When he saw Lily, he ran over to her and grabbed her out of the way, before more water soared over the deck, enough to drown both of them. The aftermath of this horror was silence, and Lily burst into tears, wailing and sobbing, soaked and cold, freezing cold. Lowe held her close to him for a few seconds, then held her away and looked into her eyes.

"Now Lily, you _must _listen to me. Don't panic, don't fret, you mustn't go and tell everyone they're about to die or anything. It was only a scrape, and you look terrible. I must insist that you go back to your room now, Lily. OK?"

"Oh God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," she cried. "How can I thank you, ever?" Lowe smiled.

"Don't thank me, thank Will Murdoch. If he hadn't spotted you and told me, you'd have been swept off by that water." Lily breathed deeply.

"You both saved my life," she wavered. "Thank you, thank you." Lily was not stupid, and Lowe's speech about 'nothing to worry about' could not console her from the blatant facts. She started to weep again. Officer Lowe looked down at Lily, his heart filled with sorrow for the girl in front of him, and he realised that she was in no fit state to just go back to her room.

"I'll get your guardian, Miss Shaw." He went off and had a word with young Officer Moody, and not 2 minutes later, she heard urgent, heavy footsteps behind her. It was Joan.

"Oh Lily, _poor _little thing, poor dear! Come here, then, come here, there there!" Lily hugged Joan tightly, the familiar expensive perfume filling her nose, soothing her. Lily pulled away and indicated to where some worried officers were speaking. Lowe looked faint, Wilde looked in shock, and Murdoch looked as if he was about to burst into tears.

"They saved my life, Joan. We hit an iceberg, and I was almost drowned."

"We hit an iceberg? Oh my lord, Oh dear _God_!"

A male voice sounded from behind them.

"Ladies, I must urge that you go back inside **_now_**!" Joan could obviously not agree more, and with a forcing call to Lily, she did so. Lily saw Captain Smith putting on his tie and walking towards Officer Murdoch.

"What's all the commotion about?" he asked. There was a nasty silence.

"An iceberg, sir. I tried to turn her, but... starboard's been ripped open, sir. First five compartments are already almost full of water. I tried, sir, but-"

Murdoch was now tearful. The captain, he looked as if someone had punched him in the stomach and taken his heart away. The sight was horrible, and Lily knew that no matter what happened, she would never forget their faces, for as long as she lived...


	8. This is real terror, people on the Titan...

12:00 am midnight, 15th April 1912

After an inspection of the damage done to the ship, Captain Smith and Thomas Andrews returned to the small room next to the lookout area. Standing behind them was First Officer Murdoch, and Bruce J. Ismay. Andrews bent down over his scientific plan of the ship, opening it quickly, sweat dappled over his face.

"The pumps will buy us time, but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder..." Mr Andrews spoke quickly and falteringly. Bruce Ismay looked at him in horror.

"But she _can't _sink!"

Mr Andrews shot a bleary look at Ismay.

"She is made of iron, sir. I _assure _you, she can. And she will. It's a mathematical certainty..."

It was a staggering piece of information to take in for everybody in that room. That was it, their fates were decided. Of course, what none of them realised was that there was a small head of golden hair situated just outside the open door.

"W-w- well how long will she take to-" Thomas Andrews looked up at Captain Smith tearily.

"An hour, two at the outside."

With a glazed look in her eyes, Lily Shaw made her way giddily back to room 18A.

"Joan?" A small voice sounded from Lily's direction. She sat on the bed stiffly, even more perched than usual, like a caricature of herself. She stared straight a head and every so often would bend back her thumbs rhythmically.

"Yes dear?"

"She's going to sink."

Joan gulped.

"Don't talk nonsense, girl." Lily looked angrily at Joan.

"It's _not _nonsense, Miss Federick! I heard what Andrews said. In two hours time, all this, it will all be at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean."

"Now listen to me, child. You know what you need? You need to calm down. If she's going to sink, they'll need everyone to stay as calm as possible, and then they'll start to evacuate us all."

Lily let out a loud, tearful, strangled moan.

"Look, this is what I _mean_. Rose DeWitt Bukater _spoke _to Mr Andrews. There aren't enough BOATS!"

"What on earth do you mean, girl?"

Lily moaned again, a little more quietly this time.

"There are 2,200 people on board. There are enough lifeboats to seat 1000. That's less than half, Joan..."

Joan closed her eyes.

"That can't be right!"

"Urgh, for fuck's sake, it is!" Joan whirled round.

"Don't DARE speak like that ever again, Lily! Do you hear?" Lily nodded, salty streams tracking down her cheeks.

"So, so what will happen then? If not everyone can get off?"

Joan shook her head.

"Children first, I should imagine. But I just- I just don't know..."

"We need to evacuate the ship, sir." Murdoch said quietly. The Captain nodded vacantly. Murdoch spoke again with more urgency.

" Women and children first, I think, sir?" Captain Smith nodded again.

"Aye," he voiced, "women and children."

By this time, stewards and the like had been sent to every room, telling people that on Captain's orders, they must put on warm clothes and lifejackets and report outside. With a deep sigh, Lily pulled on the monstrously heavy white object and left the room, Joan hot on her heels.

"Here we go..." Lily said in a quiet, mocking, sing-song voice. Simon, a sweet young boy of 13 Lily had met earlier, approached her.

"Hey, what's going on?"

Lily smiled unconvincingly.

"Oooh, nothing much. Just a drill I expect." A rounded woman who had befriended Lady Astor flounced out of her room.

"A **drill**! In which case, I find it ridiculous for them to drag us out on this wintry night like this!" Lily almost screamed at their understandable, yet to her, infuriating, ignorance. She saw Rose, Cal and Ruth come out of their various rooms. Rose looked tense and weepy, and she had a red handprint on her cheek. It was evident from Cal's face where she had got it from. Lily's temper was bubbling over."

"Come along folks!" called Molly Brown, "We'd better get out there, see what they want!" ...

Hundreds of people were out on the deck. Some huddled together, to keep themselves warm, others were more brash and starting questioning the officers. Molly Brown was one of them. She cornered Fifth Officer Lowe.

"Hey, c'mon sonny, you can't not tell us what you've dragged us out here like this for? What is it, huh?" Lowe went red and looked pleadingly at Murdoch, but he was too busy yelling at people. Lowe cleared his throat.

"We're, um, we are preparing the lifeboats, ma'am, if you'll just be patient for a second-"

Molly Brown obviously did not like this answer.

"Hey hey hey hey _hey_! What did you say? Why on earth do we need lifeboats?"

At this point, Lily's simmering temper could not hold.

"Oh for God's sake, Molly, use your head! Why d'you think we need lifeboats, for a tea-party?" Molly went red. She liked Lily and was sorry immediately to have been so rash.

"Honey, I'm sorry." Now it was Lily's turn to go red. She smiled politely and moved closer to Joan, a little further bag. She was starting to feel a little queasy.

"Right!" bellowed Murdoch, "Women and children, women and children!" Officer Lightoller indicated towards the first class folk. Lily wasn't sure why, but for some reason, she couldn't look, she just couldn't look anywhere near what was happening. Perhaps the lowering of the boats was just the final punch of reality in her heart. She backed a little into the madding crowd, away from her people. Mr Murdoch was ushering Molly Brown towards the boat.

"You must get in, ma'am." Molly did not like this, either.

"Excuse me? What about, oh, I don't know, what's going to happen to everybody else? Huh? I wanna know what's actually going ON before I sail away!"

"Just get in the BLOODY boat, woman!" Emotions were clearly running high.

"Hold up a sec! You just watch your mouth there, officer boy!" She saw Murdoch's menacing look.

"All right, sorry honey, I'm going. I'm just worried, that's all." She clumped heavily into the boat, soon followed by Ruth, and several other first class people, including two small girls in immaculate brocade dresses. Lily was quite far from the boat, but she could clearly see Joan stepping in. It was obvious she thought Lily was behind her. The boat was soon lowered, jauntily. There were screams and shouts. When the boat was halfway down, Lily heard a shout.

"Oh my Lord! Lily? _LILY_!" It was Joan. Lily's conscience was killing her. She ran to where the boat was being lowered and leaned over the edge.

"Joan!" she called. "I can't get in now, it's too late!" Joan's eyes were brimming with tears.

"I, I promise I'll get in the next one, I've just remembered something!" Joan lifted her neck further up.

"You promise? You'd better bloody promise!"

"I promise," sniffed Lily, before she leaned up and disappeared once more into the crowd. She had to be as discreet as she could, she knew if an officer saw her she's be ushered along and plonked in a boat, so when she saw one she'd run as fast as she could in the opposite direction.

Her heart was beating at a million miles an hour as she ran back towards her room. Lily half expected another river of water to burst through the walls and drown her, and so she ran in a very shaky manner. When she got to 18A, she slowed her frenzied pace, and walked slowly, as if walking into an imperial palace for the first time, looking all around her, almost in wonder. She sat on her bed, sunk her head into her hands, and wept, long and hard.

1:10 am

Lily opened her eyes, looked around, and shook her hair out of her face. She realised she had cried herself to sleep. For a minute, she was terrified that she would be the only soul left on the boat, but then she saw the time was only just past one, and she heard voices in rooms nearby. Joan was on a boat, she was probably quite a way away by now.

Lily was too frightened to stay on her own in the room any longer. She picked up her belongings, thanking her lucky stars some crazy impulse had told her to pack everything earlier, and made her way back into the corridor. It was empty, and this sickened Lily right through. Her heart fluttered. Whilst she knew Titanic would still be full of people, the feeling of being alone was almost too much for her to cope with. She heard hurried footsteps behind her, and a man's cough. It was a steward.

"Gracious bloody heavens!" the steward said, when he was walking level with Lily. "What in heaven's name are YOU still doing here miss? You should have gone ages ago. Come along, get outside!" Lily looked at him apprehensively, as though afraid he might hit or something.

"I- I'm looking for my friend!" she cried, before she raced off down the corridor, and through the door at the end.

"Please," called the man, "get on a boat as soon as you can. They're loading up the fifth lifeboat miss!" Lily turned around with a worried expression on her face for a second, then raised a hand in thanks, and kept on running. A fifth lifeboat! she thought. That meant that four had left already!

A strange feeling lingering in Lily was telling her that somehow, she wasn't ready to get off yet, but common sense was telling her to get on with it...

_'Who might still be on here?' _thought Lily to herself, as she paused in a corridor near the second class rooms, exhausted, and pretty much lost. Simon might be onboard. Margaret probably wasn't, but then again, Lily wasn't sure. Jack would be, and all his friends. Theoretically, Rose should have been gone by now, but Lily hadn't seen her get on a boat, and some niggling sense at the back of her mind told her she might still be onboard. Lily felt her whole world jumble into a huge mess. One thing was certain, she couldn't get off yet. Holding her bag tight, she dashed through the corridors, running through random doors, until at last she found a lift. There were chunking noises above, so she leapt on it before it went up empty without her.

The lift was lugged up a good 3 levels, before she found herself just next to the Grand Staircase. A short, blonde steward opened the doors for her.

"You'd best get on a lifeboat, young lady. They're going as we speak." Lily smiled vaguely and moved away, quickly. She had been so caught up in her thoughts, that she had not noticed she was walking through water that was almost to her ankles. When she finally noticed, the coldness finally kicked in, and he feet went a little numb.

"Damn," she cursed. A lot of pressure was building up behind the doors to the entrance. She knew that in a few minutes, everyone in here would be up to their stomachs in the freezing water. She couldn't help it, she started to run.

"LILY!" called a voice. It was young Simon. "Lily, there you are! Why aren't you gone yet?"

Lily was almost in tears with relief to see someone she recognised.

"Simon! Joan – I mean Miss Federick, she's gone, they've all gone. They'll be letting all the second class people on, Simon, you'd better be off."

"And leave you here? Why? And, that's just the point, I can't find my sister, Milly, or my mother. And besides, even if they were right here, I'm 13, so I'm on the age borderline between being let onto a lifeboat, or made to stay here longer." This idea horrified Lily.

"Oh but surely... Simon, I'm sure they'll let you go. And, where's Margaret?"

"No idea. Please, we've got to find them!" Lily looked at the clock. It was well after half past one.

"Alright. We'll find Milly, and your mother, and Margaret. Then we'll check Rose is alright, and people we know are off safely. Then we simply must go! Simon, do you realise that I was supposed to have left over an hour ago? I promised..." Tears filled Lily's eyes. "I promised Joan I'd get on the next boat."

"Lily, _please _don't cry, please, come on. Let's, let's go back to the lifeboat area. They might be there." Lily nodded, tearfully, and Simon took her arm and led her back outside.

1:50 am

They were in luck. Just a couple of minutes after they'd first arrived in the lifeboat area, Simon saw his mother, clutching Milly, tears streaming down her face. The band meanwhile were playing wedding marches and the like, never stopping, always smiling. Lily felt yet more tears enter her eyes, at their sheer valiance and admirability.

"Mum!" Simon yelled, his voice cracking. Lily stood and watched the little reunion, managing not to feel bitter somehow. She saw Simon's mother wipe away her tears.

"Who's your friend?" she asked, softly.

"Oh, this is Lily. She's Joan Federick's friend, she was supposed to leave hours ago."

"Gracious, lovey, what on earth?... well you must get on, now, then, mustn't you." Lily nodded, accepting defeat. Margaret would have left by now, and probably Rose as well. The men, well she could do nothing about. She gripped on to the handle of her bag and looked into the boat which was being filled up, Lifeboat 4. She peeped at its contents, and to her delight...

"MARGARET!" she called out, "Am I glad to see you!" Margaret smiled at Lily. She had been crying, that much was obvious.

"Lil. What are you still doing here?" For some reason, this reduced Lily to tears. She snivelled.

"Oh, you know. Oh Lord, Rose!" Before anyone could stop her, she darted back into the crowds. For anyone around, it was the most unsatisfying sight in the world, more than anyone else could possibly imagine.

Lily waded back in, not really knowing what she was doing any more. Even this far up on the boat she was literally having to swim. She pulled her body as hard as she could, wandering aimlessly round the back to the crew's cabin. It was virtually empty, Murdoch, Lowe, Lightoller, Moody, Wilde, they were all loading boats. She had no idea where the captain was, and...

Finally, sense hit Lily, she had to get back. She had to get on a boat. Now. She pulled her body back around again to the lifeboat area. It seemed to take forever. She bumped into a man on her way. It was Officer Murdoch.

"Oh my _GOD_, Lily, what in bloody heaven's name are you still doing here?" Another 'section' of reality hit Lily again, and she felt the tears flow down her cheeks.

"Is it too late?" she gulped.

"I don't know, lass, I don't know. Last boat's just been lowered." Lily couldn't help it. She ran over to the deserted edge of the ship and threw up her dinner. She returned swiftly and apologised, abashed and seriously groggy. Lowe was now on the scene.

"There's the collapsibles, Will. Boat D's being loaded, she might even have gone by now." Lily pulled at her hair, wrenching her scalp and looking skyward in despair.

"A and B?" bellowed Lightoller, who was in the process of lowering a boat filled with 3rd class women and children. The women were screaming primly every time the boat was let down with a judder. It made Lily feel sick with fury. She leaned over towards them, anger taking her over.

"Well at least you're actually _in _a lifeboat!" she yelled, "what about the people who can't get off! They don't _have_ your chance?"

It shut them up, for a while, anyway.

"C'mon Will, Collapsibles A and B!"

"I don't _know _where they _are_!" Lily couldn't take it any more. With a shriek and a wailed promise to get on the first boat she saw, she ran...

Lily was lucky. They hadn't lowered away Collapsible D yet. She got back just in time. There were men all around her, looking at her in astonishment. Colonel Astor's hawk eyes spotted her.

"Lily? Lily Shaw? Come ALONG for goodness sake! Excuse me, _excuse **me**_, I have a girl here, come along, make way."

As she stepped onto the boat, Lily saw all the men step aside, not a thought for themselves. She thought of the band, keeping on playing until the end. Of the stewards, rushing around and saving people. She thought of the officers, making decisions just to save the lives of others, knowing they were doomed to death...

She thought of herself. She didn't deserve to be saved like this. Well we know that Lily did, but of course she didn't see it that way.

"RIGHT!" bellowed the steward, "We'll need to get a move on, she's, she's tilting. Oh LORD, she's tilting. Th – that's it." Lily looked around at the other people in the boat, clutching her soaked bag close to her.

"What do you mean?" a woman asked, a hysteric edge to her voice. It was another man who answered the question.

"The stern, it'll snap in half."

Indeed, there was a **horrible** ripping, stretching noise. Lily felt more regurgitation come into her mouth. She leaned over the boat, odd black marks of dizziness clouding her vision.

"ROW!" yelled the steward to the other men in the collapsible, "Row, bastard! We'll get sucked under!" Lily couldn't watch. She heard the ores and the pained grunts. But all she could do was shut out the terrible scene. She couldn't look.

"Please, just keep rowing. Faster!" she cried, weeping now, loudly. "FASTER!" As she sobbed, she heard another small girl of around 4 burst into hysterics, and she felt a woman's arms around her.

"Shush, my child, shush. Just thank the good Lord we've been spared."

Lily leaned up from the woman's lap, retched again, upchuck spilling down her face, then lost consciousness altogether...

2:20 am

"WELL SHE SURE IS FUCKING COLLAPSIBLE ALL RIGHT, SHE'S FUCKING COLLAPSING!"

Lily regained consciousness. Her eyes and head were in agony, but she had no choice but to open her eyes.

It was then that she witnessed a sight, a sight so terrible, it actually pained her to stay awake, a sight that penetrated a silent scream through her little body. Two halves of Titanic, bobbing down, sinking. It was awful, but perhaps not as bad as the sound effects they were hearing. The screams. Screams of dying people, the one sound one would hope never **ever **to hear. As freezing water spilled into Collapsible Boat D, and the people around her screamed and tried with all their might to toss it back out again with their hand, Lily bent double into her lap, squeezing her eyes shut and ramming her hands over her ears. If she witnessed this, she didn't think she could allow herself to live any longer. She had to shut herself out, she just had to. She had to shut herself out, she just had to...


	9. Aftermath Hell

April 15th, 1912

Onboard Carpathia, Atlantic Ocean

"Name?"

Lily looked at Officer Lowe with an 'I'm-not-stupid-and-neither-are-you' look pasted upon her pale, drained face.

"You know what my name is," she croaked. If she had been anybody else, he might have had to insist that she repeat it, but he looked into her eyes and scribbled 'Lily Shaw' onto his clipboard. He showed it to her to ensure he had spelled it correctly, then looked at her sadly and walked to the next group of people. Lily watched him for a little while, then leaned back against her hard wooden chair and closed her eyes...

Lily was aboard the Carpathia, the ship which had come to the rescue of the Titanic's survivors. She could not remember much about the previous night, she had tried to force herself into blocking out the hideous proceedings, and seemingly done quite a good job of it.

In reality, the collapsible boat had indeed collapsed, and so the contents of it had had to cling to it with all their might. Lily had been told this, of course, and it was a mystery to her how she could have clung so hard and so well if she had not been quite awake. But somehow, she and the rest of the people in Collapsible Boat D had survived.

"Lily, are you all right?" Lily knew that voice well now.

"Yes, I – I'm fine. I'm fine. I need you to tell me what happened, though."

Lowe looked at Lily in confusement.

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean, I know that the stupid ship _sunk_, I just, I just, I just need to know who died. How many people died."

Lowe was silent for a long time. Normally, this would have irritated Lily, but to be frank, she was a little beyond that. At last:

"I can't give you an exact figure, but, just over... around..."

Lily knew that this wasn't going to be a one-man tragedy, but never, **never**, could she ever have been prepared for the reply she eventually received.

"One thousand, five hundred lives lost."

Lily's eyes widened almost comically. She ground her teeth together in shock. Knowing that if she stayed silent much longer, she would break down and look foolish, she started to gabble.

"Please please tell me who died I need to know I won't be scared if you'll just _tell_ me!" This wasn't an easy thing to answer for the poor young man. Lily realised this.

"Did the captain live?"

"No, he didn't. He drowned in his cabin." Lowe was choking up on his words, but Lily's crazy warped impulse couldn't allow her to shut up.

"The rest of the officers? How many lived?" Another pause, lengthy and frightening.

"I'm the only survivor. Murdoch, Wilde, Lightoller, Moody, Pitman, Boxhall, they've all been killed. They're all dead. Dead."

Lily felt the now well-versed feeling of hot tears in her eyes.

"I – I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_..." Lowe got up and smiled feebly.

"Ah, it's not your fault lass," he soothed in his lilting Welsh accent, walking away slowly.

"But I should have died with them," she heard him say quietly, just within earshot.

Lily let out one solitary sob then brushed her eyes, sniffed loudly and looked up above her.

"So should I."

_So should I_. Her inaudible whispered words left her lips, climbed up silently and found their way up into the sky, not seen, not heard by anyone, except perhaps by God Himself. God. Lily thought of Him. She thought of how _HE_ had let this happen. Lily lost all her faith at the drop of that hat. She strained her eyes upwards again.

**_"I HATE you!"_** she screamed. This wasn't so inaudible. Death-racked, expressionless faces turned toward her and her scream raged across the empty ocean.

Lily imagined God's face how she had always imagined it as a little child, creased with age, warm with kindness, learned and wise, like a perfect grandfather. She imagined herself punching that face, and the face creasing in fear and fury and pain. It was pleasing, and the fact that it was pleasing sickened Lily. But again, Lily was a bit beyond caring...

"Lily? Oh my Lord, _Lily_?" Lily turned to a crumpled hooded figure behind her. A wet strand of shocking red hair gave away the ghoul-like creature's identity.

"Rose?"

"Lily."

The number of silences Lily had experienced over the last few hours was starting to spook her. Finally Rose spoke.

"What about your people?"

"Miss Federick got off. So did all my friends. I got off onto a collapsible, which promptly coll_apsed_, and so I had to cling. Did you…… get on a boat?"

"No. I stayed on with Jack..." At this Rose broke down. Angry tears welled up and she breathed wheezily and loudly. Lily realised that Jack could not have made it.

"I'm sorry, Rose, I really am."

"I know, Lily. I am too. But what can we do?" Rose got up shakily and walked away.

_Why does everyone walk away?_, Lily thought to herself. _Why?_

She sat down and finally started to absorb her surroundings. There were people mulling around the boat looking in vain for their loved ones. Lily sat back and watched this with a sick feeling in her gut. At one point, a lady of around 40 with long, long dark hair ran over to Lily.

"Felicity is that you? Is that really you?" Then she saw Lily's face, and ran off wailing. Lily hated to be the one who had to have shattered this poor soul's life, the hopes they had been clinging to. She wondered how long it would be before Joan came to find her.

1:50 pm, April 15th

"I don't think you'll find any of your people here, Mr Hockley."

Mr Hockley? **Cal** Hockley? Lily turned to Rose. Perhaps predictably, perhaps surprisingly, Rose huddled back under her blanket, hiding her face.

"I don't want to see him again," she whispered. Lily nodded. Then she turned her head behind her and looked back at Cal. His hair was a mess and he was still wearing his evening clothes. His face looked hollow. This fascinated and sickened Lily at the same time. She stared.

Then Cal turned himself, having given up hope on finding Rose. He caught Lily's eye. She turned away quickly, but not quickly enough.

"Miss Shaw." Lily nodded absently.

"Where is your family?"

Silence.

"They haven't come yet."

Cal nodded.

"I can take you to them, Lily."

"What?"

"You heard me, child. I'll take you to your family. It's the _least_ I can _bloody_ well do."

"I live with a guardian, Mr Hockley. She is living near Glasgow. I don't want to put you to any-"

"You're not, girl, you're not. Have-" Cal cleared his throat. "Have you seen Rose?"

Lily glanced fleetingly at the familiar figure hidden behind Hockley's tall, broad back. She saw the pleading eyes in the pale face. She couldn't betray Rose, she just couldn't.

"No."

Cal raised an eyebrow.

"_No_, " she repeated. "I haven't seen her."

2:45 pm

Lily got up reluctantly. Lowe saw her and handed her her bag, which by some odd fluke she had managed to keep hold of.

"Are you sure you'll be safe, miss?"

"It's Lily. _You_ know that. Yes, I'll be fine. I want you to know I'm really sorry. And you shouldn't have died. No one should." Lowe smiled warmly. Then Lily grasped her impulses and leaned over, giving him a peck on the cheek. Lowe smiled again, and blushed.

"I'd give one to all of you if..." Lily tailed off. She could not bring herself to think of Lowe as the only officer who hadn't been killed. But he understood well enough.

"Miss Shaw, I'm leaving in a minute." It was Cal. Lily looked at him with a poker face and handed him the scrap of paper on which the address of the hotel Joan had planned on them staying at had been scrawled. He glanced at it then took Lily by the shoulder, guiding her off the still ship, and into New York. People ogled at them, and all the others leaving Carpathia, muttering amongst themselves.

"Poor souls, losing all their loved ones."

"1500 lives lost, apparently. Tragic." Lily walked alongside Mr Hockley coldly, once again feeling hot tears creep down her face.

Hockley hired a cab to the hotel. At last, at the entrance to the place, he spoke.

"You know there's barely any chance whatsoever of finding your people, girl."

Lily glared. She hated his pessimism. She hated the way he called her 'girl'. She hated the way he was so loathesome and yet she couldn't help but redeem him for what he was doing for her. She wanted to say something, but couldn't, and so settled her glare on him a little longer, walking into the entrance hall. Cal took out a cigar and started smoking it, looking around at the familiar New York hotel. This was all new to Lily but she was so set on finding Joan she couldn't look around. She stood in the busy hallway as though she lived in the place, shooting furtive glances around every so often. Cal came back indoors.

"You'll never find her," he said...

"Or _won't_ she?"

Lily spun around.

**_"JOAN!"_**

Lily didn't think, she didn't speak, just flew into Joan's arms and cried, loudly, fervently. Joan was finding it impossible not to cry as well. Cal stood nearby, watching them. Bitterly. He puffed at his cigar again.

"I'm sorry I didn't get in a boat Joan, I'm sorry!" Joan smiled tearfully.

"Oh, you _silly_ girl! How did you ever sur_vive_? I'm so sorry I didn't – didn't come for you, I just couldn't bring myself to find out if you had – if you were..."

Lily smiled.

"I'm here, I'm here! Pinch yourself, you're not dreaming!"

"Lily, I'm so glad, I just – I'm glad beyond words, I can't speak, dear!" Joan's face filled up again with tears. Lily started to snivel happily into her coat. Finally, Joan saw Cal, and recognised him.

"Mr Hockley, why it's you!"

Cal smiled sarcastically.

"It's me, indeed. Here for Lily's safe delivery into your hands. You're lucky to have found her, Miss Federick, lucky. Some of us weren't so as you." He looked bitterly at them, then smiled, but in a way that suggested he was having to make an effort in doing so.

"I'd, I'd best be off." And to Lily's surprise, he held out a hand. She shook it warmly, then smiled as he turned away...

Lily ran. She ran up to him subtly, causing him to start. She couldn't resist.

"Thanks," she whispered, and planted a kiss upon his cheek. He smelt of classy aftershave. Cal smiled pleasantly for the first time in a long time, then raised a hand in goodbye as Lily ran back to Joan.

_Stupid child. Clever, but so naïve. Firey, but so, so young. Like Rose._ Cal thought these things to himself sourly, trying and failing to suppress his liking for Lily. She _was_ hard not to like, in her own way.

Life restored, Joan and Lily came back into the hotel, smiling to themselves, laughing, as though Lily had been lost in a crowd for perhaps ten minutes or less.

"So we stay here?" Lily enquired.

"For a little while, yes. Another day or so, then we must go home."

"Home?"

"Well, yes."

Lily looked furiously at her now worn, if new, shoes.

"I don't want to go within a hundred-mile proximity of any water vessel ever again!" she hissed. Joan sighed.

"Lily, you have to get home, you know that. Listen, it won't happen again. Ti – Titanic was an experiment. Think of all the other, smaller ships that haven't and never will sink, or have ANY problems, ever. Lily, you've got to be brave about this. I promise it will be all right."

Silence.

"Promise?"

"Promise."


	10. Epilogue

Epilogue-

Joan Federick kept her promise. She and Lily returned home, where Joan delivered Lily safely to a highly emotional Mrs Walthamstow. Joan herself returned to her Cheshire residence, but didn't lose contact with Lily until the day she died, in early May, 1943.

Lily herself grew up with Mrs Walthamstow in loco parentis, and lived a good life. She too never lost contact with Officer Harold Lowe, one of her oldest friends, and their letters were a great comfort to each other.

At 22, she married a Mr Charlie Stewart, a friend from Glasgow whom she had fallen deeply in love with, and they had 2 children together: Will and Rose.

Throughout the rest of her life, Lily dreamed of the Titanic, its doors, its carpets, its pools, its rooms, but more than anything, its people. The people she had so liked and respected as a girl on the brink of becoming a young woman. Even Cal, though he commited suicide not 2 years after the tragedy, when his immense fortune turned to dust.

Will and Rose grew up on Lily's amazing memory, and her natural, beautiful mothering instincts. Her devoted husband, Charlie, was so happy whenever he was around her, and his happiness kept her in love.

Lily Rosie Maria Shaw died peacefully in her sleep on July 7th, 1993, just a day short of her 95th birthday. But her spirit will live on forever, in the ocean, in the sky, and onboard the great Titanic. Not the wreck we hear of, but the splendour that she knew, 92 years ago. Her family like to believe she looks down upon them, and guards them if ever they grace the deck of a ship.

Who knows? Maybe she does.

Titanic will never be forgotten, by passengers, by their descendants, or by anyone who treads this Earth. And in that way, it is unsinkable...


End file.
